Bourgeois on a Budget Vol III (a part satire)

Since we last checked in with this series, society has become even more superficial than it was in 2019.

As always, everyone is breaking a sweat to show off how perfect their life is. But at the same time unemployment has been higher than ever before. No need to stress, inflation is no longer on the rise. It’s well and truly settled.

The thing is, most of us want to look like we’re part of some aptly name aesthetic to feel like we fit in. To appear rich. Most importantly, to distract from how much deep shit the world is in. That’s why the ‘new money’ aesthetic has made a name for itself amongst the myriad of hashtags clustered on the tok.

The ideal scenario right now is looking like a ‘clean’, soft life, luxury hottie. A mix between Bella Hadid and a bbl Bratz doll. At the same time, we’re rejecting capitalism and saying “I don’t dream of labour”. In short, we want to live in a state of delusion, with all it’s many features and remixes.

It’s sickening. I love it.

Here are some tips on how you can let the delusion settle with a scroll.

disclaimer: none of this is satire. except the parts that completely are.

1. Plan your meals around dates

via Pinterest

You are a bad bitch. Put down the dehydrated noodles in a pot. Your stomach should be filled with michelin star meals – followed by your offering of ceremonious dessert after dark. Hint: you’re the dessert.

If you’re lucky (and flirty) enough, buying groceries will become an annual thing.

2. Only entertain men with the same hobbies as you…

Jean Louis Trintignant and Brigitte Bardot in And God Created Woman (1956)

you! The only way to listen to a man talk without getting bored is if he’s talking about you.

3. Promoters aren’t just for clubs

via Courtesy Of Jerrica on Pinterest

You don’t just have to sweat out your soul on a night of debauchery and greasy males, dressed in a bra and a blazer, to get lit days for free. You can also do it during the day.

Become a career woman who brunches for free. The Mayfair promoters that message you for nights out often hit you up for brunches in places like IT London and Restaurant Ours.

5. Serve looks and ignore the extras because life is fake and you’re the star

Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russel in Gentleman Prefer Blondes (1953)

As I mentioned, there’s an assemblage of aesthetic subcultures to choose from. But the important thing is to look hot and undeniably un-poor.

At the end of the day, these ensembles are often just hangers for shein and plt pieces that fall apart after three washes. So try to be sustainable and check out some rental and preloved marketplaces.

6. Do your required reading

Inventing Anna courtesy of Netflix

Inventing Anna? The Tinder Swindler? That part in season 2 of Gossip Girl where Gabriel and Poppy Lifton scam the entire Upper East Side? If this found the right audience, you should get this reference.

This doesn’t mean that you need to run up £40,000 hotel room bills and start a podcast from prison. Instead, take inspo from the lofty superiority these scammers hold in their demeanour in order to appear bourgeois to the beholder. Fake it till you make it – except when it comes to orgasms.

7. Spray perfume on your ankles

Normal girls know about the insides of knees and elbows. Hot girls get why the ankles make sense for the end of the night.

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