Bourgeois on a Budget Vol II

 

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Self help for the helpless, the delusional and the very well dressed.

Go to a nice restaurant, eat nothing, fill up on emotion.

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The food industry is the reason I’m on a budget. I hate cooking and I want to have a cute night. So go to a nice restaurant and if you don’t have sex appeal to exploit, don’t get anything. Or buy one glass of rose and keep that one drink in hand through out the night.

Or you could just buy drinks and not food. Or vice versa.

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Whatever you do, don’t be or eat vanilla. Or worse- vanilla ice cream before they add the vanilla.

Dress for the look not for people.

I re-apply lipstick to talk on the phone. It makes me feel ready for the task at hand. When I question an outfit I don’t question whether it’s good, I question whether it’s the best. You have to be chic everyday, even when you’re a mess. If you’re going to be a mess be like Italian Vogue messy.

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The world is not heel accessible, but that’s ok.

Plan your life around foot wear. You never know what shoe you’ll want to wear so don’t make plans get in the way of your style. Make them shrink in your presence. The most is simply the minimum.

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A selfie is a photo shoot.

I think nothing of taking a few hundred photographs of my friends on our way to brunch, where we order water and nothing else. 

I’m jealous of people who get to watch me walking down the street. They can’t get enough of me, how can they expect me to?

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You don’t need angles, angles need you. Just keep that in mind.

Tiara Business

I want a tiara, but I want a family tiara. Like a tiara with history. Be sure that your ambitions are not related to your degree or your career trajectory. Work for the job you want but it’s important to dream. I’m not going to go out of my way to become queen but I think I’d be good at it.

Dress Code

A formal dress code is really a theme open for interpretation. You should give the people what they want, not what they ask for. What does it mean to look professional anyway? If a middle aged white man popped into your head, dressing professional is a bit problematic and you know it. Dress codes do not take women and minorities into account. This is why african hair is ‘unruly’ and skirts are ‘distracting’. 

When all else fails, manifest your reality. Live like a glamorous Caucasian woman and dress like you have no worries.

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And don’t be basic. Avoid this seasons Balenciaga or any season of Supreme and Anti Social Social Club. Instagram should be aspiring to be fashion, fashion shouldn’t be aspiring to be Instagram.

The Smaller the Pearls

I wear small pearls so people think they might be real. They’re obviously not, I lose them often and stop by Claire’s every other month for my fix

Eyeliner

I rarely leave my home without my wings. As long as my wings are long and immaculate I can pretend my life is together. I could have a stain on my jumper but with these wings you might think it’s deliberate.

And the word wings is open for interpretation- they could very well be literal. Just reuse that pair you got for halloween and pair them with suspenders, a silk negligee/camisole/robe and surprise your man. Or your reflection. What difference does it make? They’ll both love you as long as you stay pretty.

Perfect your diet

Whether you’re vegan or not is irrelevant here. Your main food group is air anyway. But it’s still important to have a balanced diet. You need to be nourished, not simply fed. Go with high dick, low drama medium to small portions- minus the low drama part of course. I take mine with a pinch of salt.

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Screenshots are your friend

Yes, it’s a two way street so be careful what you say. But if you’re running out of money, just invest in the currency of screenshots. All you need: an iphone, a screenshots photo album and a fuckboy. Buy one get one free. You’re a thirst trap, so utilise it.

Give them nothing, expect them to give you everything and only then will you consider giving them something.

Pay attention to the details 

Make sure that the small things do not go amiss- they’re what people notice when they decide if you’re boujee or not. Who cares if it looks like new money? You can only fool them once. So take a leaf from Holly Golightly’s book and buy the cheapest thing from Tiffany’s as long as it looks like it’s from Tiffany.

Cuff links, note pads, key chains. Those are all your monogrammed friends when it comes to pretending like you’re loaded and classy.

By Ada and Maya

 

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