Erasure poem: Intrusive thoughts – even though I know the truth – how do I believe it?

“Because this ideal of the attractive but not whorish white woman, in a good marriage but not self-effacing, with a nice job but not so successful she outshines her man, slim but not neurotic over food, forever young without being disfigured by the surgeon’s knife, a radiant mother not overwhelmed by nappies and homework, who manages her home beautifully without becoming a slave to housework, who knows a thing or two but less than a man, this happy white woman who is constantly shoved under our noses, this woman we are all supposed to work hard to resemble – never mind that she seems to be running herself ragged for not much reward – I for one have never met her, not anywhere. My hunch is that she doesn’t exist.”

― Virginie Despentes, King Kong Theory

I was at a dinner with the person I love and another woman.
The other woman grazed his wrist the entire time, suggestive.
And I find myself thrown into my own fears, my own anxieties.
I don’t even blame her—it’s true, he is so absolute.
I look at her without saying a word, I feel powerless.
I resent myself for not being enough, for not being dominant in this silent competition for the same attention, the same male approval.
Who will be looked at the most, loved the most, tonight?

Why did she feel in competition with me?
Why fight so hard for the attention of a man who is already committed to someone else?
To prove what, and to whom?

That night, sleepless, I stared into my own emptiness.
I know she carries the same one.

Internalized—that hatred of other women, that patriarchal oppression pushing us to see each other as rivals.

After weeks of research, I’m still unsure how to approach this topic.
I had chosen to make it into a poem; but I now realise how much this complex issue overwhelms me.
It overwhelms me because I can see how the sequence of my identities have been shaped by it: rejecting everything that felt “too girly,” reconnecting with parts of “femininity,” noticing those thought reflexes that haunt me.
Yes, I have felt like the success of another woman was a threat to my own.
Yes, I’ve had my Jolene and The Other Woman.
I’ve feared and longed to be both Jolene and The Other Woman.

If I could talk to her in the night in Geneva, between the tram lights and the hallway of a grey building,
I would tell her to stop seeing me the way the system wants her to.
That we have to vomit this oppression that poisons us from the inside.

My sisters, we need new rituals of solidarity.
My wives, we need to untie the pink or blue ribbons that softly bind the thoughts we could be having.
My partners, we must abort what was planted in us without our consent.

Because this is not how we want to soul the world.
We are too immense to reinforce what they try to shrink in us and about us.

I’m still searching for how to break these chains holding me back from fully embracing the power of friendship and connection we share as women.
Shall we find it together?

So we no longer think that other women are evil babes with sparkling tails.
So we stop repressing what moves us because of inherited thoughts that so many wanted to make ours.
To no longer be perceived, again and again, as only one thing: inherently inferior—and alone. So alone.
Without any other woman’s art, without any other woman’s knowledge—
Because we are pushed to cut ourselves off from each other—
So that in our solitude, only others’ thoughts are amplified.
Those others who suffocate us—and we end up choking ourselves with our own hands.

Reclamation poem: One for the Same Man – Two for the Price of One?

Fresh flowers, French manicure
I’ll kill her
Pink tailleur, husband at the door
I’ll kill my sister
What is it that my hands want
What does my blood scream
I’ll kill that part of me –
Do I want to
Do they want me
Other women on the phone
Other selves in my mind
Am I a cheater to kill her
Suburban garden, I don’t wear diamonds anyway –
Barefoot in the golden clovers
Acid trip on your memories
Cliff that cuts both ways
Where is my other her?

Visual Art : Sis, Is That How You Want to Soul the World?

In this collage, I wanted to represent the blindfolded eyes of both women and men when it comes to the question of internalized oppression. The taboos surrounding this topic still persist, and only a deep revaluation of relationships between women, along with a deconstruction of our “instilled” beliefs, can begin to repair it.

I dream of a world where women love each other—even if, for now, that love is just a heart that still bleeds. The bright pink and blue colors, flashy and kitsch, play with the stereotypes of what is “assigned” to women and men.

I also wanted to convey the weight, the accumulation of all these thoughts through a dense, crowded design—symbolising the mental clutter caused by this internalised competition between women.

Some resources – From a Woman to Other Women

I’m still searching—will you search with me?
I feel vulnerable, exposed to everything in me that must be unlearned.
I no longer want to carry the centuries of contempt that have shaped this contempt for myself.

Source:

M. Evteeva, Internalized Misogyny: The Patriarchy Inside Our Heads, Journal of Integrated Social Sciences, http://www.JISS.org, 2024 – 14(1): 82–108.

“Misogyny refers to the hatred towards women, based on the belief that they are inferior to men. This cultural practice upholds the power of the dominant male group by oppressing and subordinating women (Findlay & Piggott, 2005). Internalized sexism, fueled by misogyny, occurs when women adopt learned sexist behaviors towards themselves and other women (Bearman et al., 2009). It results in perpetuating sexist attitudes among women, reinforcing the male-dominated culture, and sustaining the patriarchal system through the promotion of horizontal oppression against their own gender”.

“Women’s animosity against each other based on misogyny is also an impediment to their collective struggle because it promotes competition rather than shared cooperative goals and sustains myths that justify and disregard violence against women (Cowan et al., 1998). This can be clearly observed in the so-called “victim-blaming” behavior often seen on social media, where victims of rape or murder are criticized and accused by other women of “provoking” aggressive male behavior towards them, deserving punishment. Studies have also discovered a significant correlation between sexist beliefs and the acceptance of rape myths in both men and women (Angelone et al., 2021)”.

“Derogation and competition against other women are the most visible aspects of internalized misogyny because they are behaviors directed towards others”.

“Animosity and distrust towards other women undermine female solidarity and perpetuate the status quo. When women mistrust other women, the potential for solidarity and group action is weakened, and feminist action and sisterhood, which are crucial for advancing gender equality and addressing issues such as sexism, discrimination, and violence against women, cannot take place. When distrust exists, it can fracture relationships and impede efforts to support and uplift one another. It also perpetuates the existing power imbalances between men and women”.

“Is it possible to eradicate misogyny? The phenomenon is so widespread and deeply entrenched in patriarchal culture that it doesn’t seem like an easy task. The status quo supported by misogyny is promoted and perpetuated by the hegemonic patriarchal neoliberal system, which permeates all facets of our existence. This system deceives women into believing that they are adversaries, fostering a lack of trust among women and portraying feminism as a movement that will bring unhappiness and rejection from men. Nevertheless, we can aspire to the notion of sisterhood and feminist theory can help implement gradual changes in society in order to decrease this feeling of self-hatred and lead us towards a more egalitarian future”.